To quote Ricky Fitz, “never underestimate the power of denial.”
This sentence has been striking the framework of my thoughts lately and I haven’t known why. What exactly am I in denial of? The fact that I am becoming dependent on substances I ridicule all the time? The fact that I am living about five different lives right now? The fact that I am watching myself sink into a life I never wanted and doing nothing about it? Or is the fact that I am rushed with guilt every time I think of you (Make that six different lives, come to think of it.) How can I explain to you that the only part of me you have ever seen is an absolute lie? A blatant, intricate lie.
You would hate me if you knew me. This is the simple truth. I am the very essence of everything you are against, but how can I say this to your face? Surly you must know somewhere within you that the concept of “me” is not real. I hope that you have known this for a long time. I trust that you can feel it. I have been so terrible to you and now I have nothing to do but continue on like this, hating myself in the process. You seem to love me so wholly. You are so trusting and I don’t deserve that. I am not to be trusted. You are treading your water way too far from the shore. You are in danger. Get out now.
So now I have but to hope that you will read this soon. I hope you are not broken. Just don’t trust me anymore, please.
We can’t be together. You know that. I can’t keep living inside of this lie. I can’t let you in and I can’t come out. I love you so, so much, but for that reason I have to let you go. You deserve the best and I think I finally have the courage to say that isn’t me. I was in denial.
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2 comments:
I had a poetic comment. I even had it typed up in my phone so I could re-type it on here. But it just doesn't feel right. No, I'm not broken. Yes, I do hurt. Tremendously. But I'm getting used to that nowadays. First the move, now this... I don't hate you. I still love you. A lot. But if you feel you have to do this, then I accept that. I just thought that this would've waited until I left. Please. Don't apologize. It would only hurt more. Let's just have things return to normal... and you've succeeded in doing what nothing esle could. You see, when i learned about the move, I started bottling up my emotions... I was reserved in any and all reactions to anything that happened. You kinda broke that bottle. Bottle*s* I should say. It would've taken more than one for everything I was hiding. And now I'm surrounded by the shards of glass, with no way around them... I'll just have to walk across the remains of my emotional prison. It will hurt, and it will take time... But I'll get out eventually. I'll escape. And when I do, maybe then we can talk...
Good-bye, Elise...
Goodbye. Thank you.
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