Here is the truth, finally

To quote Ricky Fitz, “never underestimate the power of denial.”

This sentence has been striking the framework of my thoughts lately and I haven’t known why. What exactly am I in denial of? The fact that I am becoming dependent on substances I ridicule all the time? The fact that I am living about five different lives right now? The fact that I am watching myself sink into a life I never wanted and doing nothing about it? Or is the fact that I am rushed with guilt every time I think of you (Make that six different lives, come to think of it.) How can I explain to you that the only part of me you have ever seen is an absolute lie? A blatant, intricate lie.

You would hate me if you knew me. This is the simple truth. I am the very essence of everything you are against, but how can I say this to your face? Surly you must know somewhere within you that the concept of “me” is not real. I hope that you have known this for a long time. I trust that you can feel it. I have been so terrible to you and now I have nothing to do but continue on like this, hating myself in the process. You seem to love me so wholly. You are so trusting and I don’t deserve that. I am not to be trusted. You are treading your water way too far from the shore. You are in danger. Get out now.

So now I have but to hope that you will read this soon. I hope you are not broken. Just don’t trust me anymore, please.

We can’t be together. You know that. I can’t keep living inside of this lie. I can’t let you in and I can’t come out. I love you so, so much, but for that reason I have to let you go. You deserve the best and I think I finally have the courage to say that isn’t me. I was in denial.

Claire,

We have a lot to learn. Get ready.