oooookay

So this has been a different kind of day...

I'm Back

Okay, so the past few days I have been utterly and completely released. For a long time now I have had all these ideas solidifying in my stomach, all these great, breakthrough, abstract ideas stacking up on top of each other, but with no way out. I have not felt like the inspired, reckless, and haunted person I am. I have just felt blah. A couple days ago, I let it all out. My mom said something upsetting and I absolutely lost grip on my sanity. I stampeded into my room and began tearing things off the walls. You may say I had a temper tantrum, but I was not mad at anyone but myself. I've since realized that this is what exactly i needed to do. I began pulling all my exiled ideas up and molding them into reality. No more expectations, no more self-control, no more logic. Just pure, human madness. It felt so good.

I took my most important possession, a painting by him, and just shredded it. In that instance, I shed all these psychological dependencies that have been wrapped around my ankles for the past year. I let go of him, finally. Now I'm free. I have some great, radical ideas about the space in which i live. I got rid of all my furniture and my bedroom has become an ever-changing, pulsing cocoon of creative thought. I want to live through my art and for my art to live through me. This is my purpose.

When I let go, I also realized how close Sam and I have become. Have I been truly blind? He knows a core in me that i did not know I had exposed. It is so strange. We are opposite in every imaginable way, yet here we are, two people thriving on our love for one another. I know him, which is more than i can say for Ian. We thrived on our hatred. It was always a competition. Now I have even been able to let go of that. Ian, I respect you as an individual and I am so glad we have found our own ways. We were never any good for each other.

So you see, someone, I have recaptured my essence, but this time it is my own, not my own image through him.