I'm still awake at two in the morning of August 14th. My mind is racing and I've finally hit the tears. I grab a Sharpie and write in small letters on the wall: 1. I need to leave. I need to rupture the framework of this reality and break into a new one. Live a different life than is handed to you. It's getting too easy to be... nevermind. I lost the words in a drop of saltwater tainted with a wish.
"Silence is the loudest parting word you never say. Now a voiceless sympathy is all that remains."
~Ben Harper
In another spurt of this strange sob sessions, I write above it: 2. Do REAL good fro humanity. Get out while you still can.
On a different wall this time: 3. A pair of eyes are always staring in at me. I wish they were real.
4. I'd like to go crazy now. Maybe I should try my skills at resisting the words of therapists and mental institutions. Maybe that would do the trick. At least I would have something more to escape from then my own selfishness.
5. The only thing I'm fighting is myself and my accidental acceptance of the world in which I live. Silly me. Of all rebellions, I had to pick the hardest.
6. Sleep deprivation makes great fuel for thought. It maddens the spirit just enough.
7. When my lips are dry, I put on chapstick. How many people do that?
For some reason I found no number eight the next morning.
9. Whatever I do fresh from high school, I hope it is physically uncomfortable to prove I can be content anywhere.
10. This is the last one because I dropped the better Sharpie behind a shelf. I'm entertained to imagine reading these to find I have idea why I wrote such random, trite shit. : )
And I honestly don't. It really is a sad thing when I try to be dramatic, but this is how my night went, I suppose. You can check my walls to find the thoughts of a maddened heart staring back at you. I'm glad I saw you again, person. I was hoping I would.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
no its not my mother it was ians post
i've been letting too much in lately. I've been trying to prove that therapist wrong aabout what she said and guess I'll never learn about the stubborn proving authourity wrong shit. She said i don't let myuself get too close because im distrustful and afriad of being heard blah bla
but recentlyy things have been so sharp...i know what you mean about the sleep thing....one of my favorite things is staying up all night listening to jazz and burning incense and then writing..you realize so many things when you "un" sleep crazy
right. well i saw brandon h, in case you didnt get that and my system was naturally thrown out of balance. right when i was finally getting over myself i see his face again. arrrrg! what's wrong with me?!
therapists are total bullshit. don't even try to prove them wrong because they make it sound like you're the one whose being unreasonable. i dont believe they do any good unless you want to be helped.
Post a Comment