I Will Get Better

Last night I had a dream that I was watching a girl eat and eat and eat- gorge herself until her body could not hold her and her heart was crushed by the weight of her own flesh. I woke from it at 6:00 A.M. at Madeline Bentley's house on her floor with the taste of cigarettes and pot in my mouth. It was almost an epiphany I had- that the only reasonable way to live is in protection of your own body. Without it, you do not live and, with one that is abused and mutilated, your mind will follow suit.

"I was moved by women in Africa who lived close the earth and didn't understand what it meant to not love their body."
~ Eve Ensler

I have reached a shuttering and frightening conclusion- I must change dramatically. I must give up cigarettes and pot and alcohol, which will mean giving up Madeline, Laura, Katie, Megan, ect. and any social life they would entail. Most painfully, I must give up my rebellion, become someone my parents approve of, become someone honest and deeply "uncool." I must give up that social life and do art.
Today my mother said to me that she didn't think I was spending enough time on my art. To hear this broke me. I never though I could be that person. I never though I would hear that.
I have been crying today and I know I have become selfish and despicable. To cry is to express my own weakness. I do not deserve to cry, not when so many people have it harder and keep their heads held straight. Who am I, a useless, carbon-copy, American teenage girl, to sneer in the face of real sorrow and mock righteous despair. And yet I sit here, in plain selfishness, crying.
I am going to move on and it will be agonizing to make my parents proud. It will hurt to stop lying. But it will happen because I am not happy anymore and I am not Elise. Instead of wallowing in despair, I will change.

I WILL CHANGE
Elise