Speculations

You know exactly what you are doing. Maybe you share my fear of becoming ordinary and weak. Maybe you also feel the need to beat yourself down, scrape off all the teenage superficiality so that all you are left looking at is yourself- pure and simple. Maybe that is what you are doing now- falling, falling, falling (and making it obvious) so that you will be put in military school, where they will beat it out of you and you will have to endure, have to be strong. Maybe this is all part of your plan or maybe I am alone in these ideals, imagining you feel the same way because I am afraid for you. Either way, I have a hard time believing that you are merely misguided and disturbed. You used to tell me that you wanted to do immeasurable good for people, to pull a man off the streets and give him a new life. You used to tell me how strong and noble were the men that died for their country. I think you are still Nathan, still passionate and selfless. I think you are trying to fool us all and yourself. I think this is all part of your plan because, if I had the courage, I would be doing the same thing.