A Wave- Unabridged and Scattered Thoughts

I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to go far, far away and I want to stay there until I have learned to be strong. I want to endure and here there is nothing to endure. I am suffocated by the structured, organized way of life. I don’t feel free. I feel like I cannot do as I need to do. I am not the person I need to be, the person pulsing in my veins. I want to scream and scream and scream until everything around me melts away.
I feel like I’m in limbo, like I am treading water. I feel like I’m weak. I feel contained. I want to get rid of everything. I want to strip myself bare, to beat all this out of me so that I know what I am. Get rid of the crust, the mile-deep weights of society and suburbia and stare at what’s left. That’s me. I am what remains.
I don’t know how to scrape everything off here. I just don’t see how to wipe off the cell phone, the TV, the cozy mattress, the shelf of niceties, the heap of rules- not after dark, not this weekend, there’s a family dinner tonight, your cousins will be in town, no hours alone, no, no, no, no, no! I want to be the one to say no, not them. I want to decide. I want to GO! Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go! I need to leave now. It’s time now. I need to endure. I need to vanish from practicality, I need to rip myself out of the ground. They can’t let me go. They are prisoners of practicality. For God’s sake, I don’t want kids. I will become a prisoner of practicality and restriction. I will wall myself in with responsibility. I will drown in an orb of thick meaninglessness. Take your cell phone, not after dark, family dinners, cousins in town, I don’t feel like making a decision....no, no, no. Dependency. Tons and tons and tons of dependencies. I’ll fall in if I’m not careful. I’ll let it soak into me. None of that. I’m after freedom.
If I can successfully strip myself bare and see what’s left, if I at least know what I am, I will have happiness- like stone. I will have spirituality. I will have freedom. I’m sick of waiting. I don’t want to get sucked in. I’m already mostly there and I have three more years to go of limbo, of prison. I’m serving a sentence for being a product of suburbia. Thus far, it’s all I am- that I know of. But I don’t know what’s inside me besides the screaming sex desire of a teenager.

I am hard on myself, she says. You are too soft on yourself. This is who I WANT to be, not who I am forcing myself to become. This is what I WANT! Deal with it.

My least favorite thing about myself is my lack of compassion. I am selfish. Haven’t you read these pages? All I ever do is complain and this itself is even a complaint. I wish I could be satisfied. I want to bear no judgment on anyone, I want to help other people, I want to be forgiving. I want to love everything I see, and yet all I ever think about are my wants, as demonstrated by every sentence. All I ever do is bitch. As far as I know, that’s all I even am. I am the essence of hypocrisy. I am bitching about how much I bitch. It’s even laughable. I say not to judge as I judge, I say not to complain as I complain, I say to love as I hate, I say to help as I hurt, I say to forgive as I hold grudges near my heart. I am a suburban teen, classically. Wow. Let’s get rid of these actions and focus on the speech. Scrape off your hypocrisy with everything else. Go home.