I have not posted anything in an unusually long time, although I have been thinking many a new thing and growing up. I don't expect you to actually read all of this because it is incredibly redundant, but it is proof of my growth. I think I may be getting over myself. After all, self-awareness is the first step to ironing the kinks out of our approach to living. We'll see. Take note of the dates on which these excerpts were written. Enjoy...?

March 26, 2009
Someone:
. . . Either way, I have a new thought process that has joined my daily routine. As I fall asleep each night, I pray to a god (just in case) to keep the world safe. I promise myself that, if I am fortunate enough to wake the next morning, I will be grateful to live another day and I will be casual, assertive, painfully aware of the world, and HAPPY. The most challenging element of this scheme is its execution, obviously. . .

April 7, 2009
Someone:
. . . More essential an issue to speak of, however, are my newly defined purposes. I have been examining my composition and ambition for quite a while now and I have finally reached semi-steady ground. I believe this guilt I feel is entirely voluntary. It is a conscious decision to be tormented (at least in my case) and it is for this reason: I FEEL guilty in order to BE less guilty. Try to make sense of that. I am undeservingly fortunate, but I would theoretically be a worse human being if I did not A) recognize this and B) at least seek salvation from my ignorance. So you see, beloved Someone, the guilt I feel has actually the opposite purpose of true guilt– to salve my ignorance.
This "guilt" I feel is the force that drives my craving of the impoverished world. I intend to "earn" the fortune I was born into, to give my existence substance, righteousness, and, above all else, deservedness. It will also be my way of coping with the daunting impressions of mankind. Although it is pointless and wrong, I tend to want greatness in comparison with the entire human race. Instead of finding my peace as no one, I wage fierce competition on the artists and spiritually grounded people, which causes an unavoidable sense of defeat. Regardless, I recognize the redundant babble that appears in letter after letter after letter to you, Someone. . .

April 12, 2009
Someone:
HAPPY EASTER, beloved friend! I am not a religious person and yet Easter treats me to the same divinity as those who are devoted with every fiber of their being. There is a certain sense of life in the air. It is not Jesus Christ's risen soul, but rather a festival welcoming the new spring– rebirth. Those evangelicals are not so funny and odd as I traditionally regard them. Today it doesn't matter if the man was or was not divine because the sensation of rebirth is irrefutable in all manners. All day there has been a gentle rain, salving the rampant wildfires that have devouring Oklahoma and intensifying all the colors, saturating the grass and trees and flowers until they are almost unnaturally bright.
I have been experiencing my own little personal "rebirth" as well. Creativity has been rushing into me all day and I have finally crawled out of my inspirational ditch. . .
Pardon my scribbles, dear friend. I love you unconditionally and faithfully,
Elise

Updates

To record my progress. I have felt much better since they put me on painkillers for the tissue damage in my neck. : ) It is depressing to think about my new levels of hypocrisy in accepting unnecessary medications. The coloring of my eye brings back very distinct memories of Toby's make-up in 8th grade as "Lola."

Not My Most Beautiful Moment...

I am indulging in a small pity party at the moment, so bear with me.

Today I was in a wreck on my bike. I was speeding down the bridge over the highway on Grand Blvd. (without a helmet) and I believe I hit a trash can, but I am not entirely sure. The only things I remember are: having about 5 concerned strangers towering over me while I struggle to remain conscious. They kept asking me if I could move, and, for a few minutes, my arms would not budge. I remember piling into a stranger's car (an example of my impaired judgement), but getting ahold of my mother in time to prevent this. I remember feeling the back of my head and thinking there was a dent in it. And this is the extent of my memory concerning the next hour.

I could not move my arms for a couple minutes because my body was in shock and the "dent" in the back of my head was, in fact, the decline of my head's surface away from a bloody knot the size of a baseball. I have a severe concussion and I may have internal bleeding in my skull. Both of my collarbones and my jaw feel broken, but they are apparently just traumatized from the "jolt." I also have whiplash.

This is really just my way of notifying my friends of what happened, since I will out of touch for the rest of the break. You guys are the only ones who read my blog, anyways.